By Mattbeard Williams
God:
Hello son, I hear you preach to me every night,
What can I do for you?
Mr. Smith:
Hey God, this is Mr. Smith.
God:
I know who you are, Samuel Smith.
Mr. Smith:
How did you know... oh... right... God! Duh!
God:
Haha, I have so little time, please stop joking,
What can I do for you son?
Mr. Smith:
Well, God, I am really worried about money,
and about well, Love, and my life, am I wrong
to have these worries?
God:
Oh Me no! You are human, you are weaker
than I. All of these obstacles in your life,
were put here for a reason...
Mr. Smith:
Because pharmaceutical companies want
me to spend money on not being depressed?
God:
Haha, I sure am glad I gave you a sense of humor!
Mr. Smith
Yeah, wish you had given me a little less of that,
along with more courage, that would have sufficed.
God:
Haha, silly child. What is this worry you have today?
I can see that you are nursing that whiskey as if it
were your last!
Mr. Smith:
Well, this obstacle... it is a big one!
God:
Bigger than Jenny Friedmeyer at the eighth grade dance?
Mr. Smith:
Definitely.
God:
Bigger than the time your parents walked in on you,
while you were watching the spice channel, and were
seemingly start-
Mr. Smith:
Yeah! We don't... just, that doesn't need to be talked
about, at all.
God:
Well I have carried you through those times,
one pair of footprints in the sand, because I-
Mr. Smith:
Yup, you were carrying me... so anyway... the obstacle.
God:
Oh, someone wants to discuss the obstacle now, eh?
Mr. Smith:
Yeah... we were doing paperwork today, and realized
that for the past eternity, you haven't paid any taxes
on your properties.
Beat.
Mr. Smith:
You there God?
God:
Yeah... I'm sorry... what did you just say to me?
Mr. Smith:
Well, it looks like you created the universe, and
well, everything... and it appears to me that, you
haven't exactly paid your taxes on any of these,
including your three story mansion in Heavenly Plains,
Missouri... I have to warn you, this is an attempt to
collect said payments.
God:
Are you fucking with me right now?
Mr. Smith:
Unfortunately, sir... er, God..
God:
Nuh uh, you can call me Sir.
Mr. Smith:
Well unfortunately Sir, this is not a prank.
God:
Oh, I'm sorry, you wanted God?
Mr. Smith:
Yes, God, you, sir...
God:
Right... God doesn't live here anymore, I thought
you were praying to... Grod...ney... Right, my name's
Grodney...
Mr. Smith:
Sir, I know it is you..
God:
Nope, this is Grodney, God moved awhile ago.
Actua...can...ear...Sorry driving through a
tunnel... You know how trickey they are up
here.
Mr. Smith:
Okay, well, Grodney, or GOD... We will have to
repossess all of the land in which you have lapsed
all payments, which, judging from the stacks of
paperwork here in my den? Is A LOT... perhaps
all of it...
Beat.
Mr. Smith:
Um... Hello? God? Grodney?
Beat.
Mr. Smith:
I can hear you breathing...
Beat.
Mr. Smith:
Look, God... nobody wants this, least of all
me... I liked you growing up... you were a hero
of mine, but sometimes... Look, the economy is
tough...
beat.
Mr. Smith:
Okay, well, I am just going to write down here,
that we spoke, you have been warned about-
Mr. Smith grabs his chest and collapses.
God:
Hell no you aren't!
Beat.
God:
Mr. Smith? Um, Samuel...? Uh oh... Um...
Cocaine suddenly appears next to the guy.
God:
Woah, look... guys... that guy... he od'd on coke!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011 at 09:02PM 
