Mr. Smith and Grodney (A Dialogue)

By Mattbeard Williams

God:

Hello son, I hear you preach to me every night, 

What can I do for you?

Mr. Smith:

Hey God, this is Mr. Smith.

God:

I know who you are, Samuel Smith.

Mr. Smith:

How did you know... oh... right... God!  Duh!

God:

Haha, I have so little time, please stop joking,

What can I do for you son?

Mr. Smith:

Well, God, I am really worried about money,

and about well, Love, and my life, am I wrong

to have these worries?

God:

Oh Me no!  You are human, you are weaker

than I.  All of these obstacles in your life, 

were put here for a reason... 

Mr. Smith:

Because pharmaceutical companies want

me to spend money on not being depressed?

God:

Haha, I sure am glad I gave you a sense of humor!

Mr. Smith

Yeah, wish you had given me a little less of that,

along with more courage, that would have sufficed.

God:

Haha, silly child.  What is this worry you have today?

I can see that you are nursing that whiskey as if it

were your last!

Mr. Smith:

Well, this obstacle... it is a big one!

God:

Bigger than Jenny Friedmeyer at the eighth grade dance?

Mr. Smith:

Definitely.

God:

Bigger than the time your parents walked in on you,

while you were watching the spice channel, and were

seemingly start-

Mr. Smith:

Yeah!  We don't... just, that doesn't need to be talked

about, at all.

God:

Well I have carried you through those times,

one pair of footprints in the sand, because I-

Mr. Smith:

Yup, you were carrying me... so anyway... the obstacle.

God:

Oh, someone wants to discuss the obstacle now, eh?

Mr. Smith:

Yeah... we were doing paperwork today, and realized

that for the past eternity, you haven't paid any taxes

on your properties.

Beat.

Mr. Smith:

You there God?

God:

Yeah... I'm sorry... what did you just say to me?

Mr. Smith:

Well, it looks like you created the universe, and

well, everything... and it appears to me that, you 

haven't exactly paid your taxes on any of these,

including your three story mansion in Heavenly Plains,

Missouri...  I have to warn you, this is an attempt to 

collect said payments.

God:

Are you fucking with me right now?

Mr. Smith:

Unfortunately, sir... er, God..

God:

Nuh uh, you can call me Sir.

Mr. Smith:

Well unfortunately Sir, this is not a prank.

God:

Oh, I'm sorry, you wanted God?

Mr. Smith:

Yes, God, you, sir...

God:

Right... God doesn't live here anymore, I thought

you were praying to... Grod...ney... Right, my name's

Grodney...

Mr. Smith:

Sir, I know it is you..

God:

Nope, this is Grodney, God moved awhile ago.

Actua...can...ear...Sorry driving through a

tunnel... You know how trickey they are up

here.

Mr. Smith:

Okay, well, Grodney, or GOD... We will have to

repossess all of the land in which you have lapsed

all payments, which, judging from the stacks of

paperwork here in my den?  Is A LOT... perhaps

all of it...

Beat.

Mr. Smith:

Um... Hello?  God?  Grodney?

Beat.

Mr. Smith:

I can hear you breathing...

Beat.

Mr. Smith:

Look, God... nobody wants this, least of all

me... I liked you growing up... you were a hero

of mine, but sometimes... Look, the economy is

tough... 

beat.

Mr. Smith:

Okay, well, I am just going to write down here,

that we spoke, you have been warned about-

Mr. Smith grabs his chest and collapses.

God:

Hell no you aren't!  

Beat.

God:

Mr. Smith?  Um, Samuel...?  Uh oh...  Um...

Cocaine suddenly appears next to the guy.

God:

Woah, look... guys... that guy... he od'd on coke!