I Madly Quit You

-Look, it isn't you... it's me.

-Please, don't do this...

-Sorry, just... I have to, I have a wife, and I'm gonna be a father.

-But Max!?! I WANT YOU!

-I know, I know, but... it just... it isn't going to work out.

-Fine... Maybe a few years down the road or something? Maybe we can like, be friends?

-I don't think so.

-If you leave... I'm going to shoot myself.

-You're a cigarette... you don't have arms.

-Maybe, could you just, maybe, one more time, I NEED YOU!

-Okay, I'm going to just slowly close this door.

-I WANT TO BE INSIDE YOU!!!

-Bye.

The Rewards of Life

-God, I'm just... I'm almost impossibly tired of women complaining constantly about a dude, only to end up being in a relationship with that guy. “You don't understand how mean he is...” Months later it is the equivalent to, “This is my boyfriend...” gah!

-Congratulations...

-Excuse me?

-Congratulations.

-What?

-You have actually grown up some. Along the way in life, there are moments of becoming an adult... Your view there was one of them... here, have some chocolate.

-Oh, um, thanks?

-You are welcome.

-Huh... I didn't realize life worked that way... interesting.

-Now put the chocolate back.

-Excuse me?

-PUT THE CHOCOLATE BACK IN THE BAG MAN!

-Jesus fine take it! Wow, what the crap?!

-Congratulations... you have learned another lesson in life...

-Dude, this is weird.

-Please, take a chocolate as a reward.

-I don't want to.

-Good... another life lesson!  Here, have a chocolate.

-Um.

-TAKE THE CHOCOLATE, DUDE!

-FINE!  Jesus!

-PUT IT BACK!

Mr. Smith and Grodney (A Dialogue)

By Mattbeard Williams

God:

Hello son, I hear you preach to me every night, 

What can I do for you?

Mr. Smith:

Hey God, this is Mr. Smith.

God:

I know who you are, Samuel Smith.

Mr. Smith:

How did you know... oh... right... God!  Duh!

God:

Haha, I have so little time, please stop joking,

What can I do for you son?

Mr. Smith:

Well, God, I am really worried about money,

and about well, Love, and my life, am I wrong

to have these worries?

God:

Oh Me no!  You are human, you are weaker

than I.  All of these obstacles in your life, 

were put here for a reason... 

Mr. Smith:

Because pharmaceutical companies want

me to spend money on not being depressed?

God:

Haha, I sure am glad I gave you a sense of humor!

Mr. Smith

Yeah, wish you had given me a little less of that,

along with more courage, that would have sufficed.

God:

Haha, silly child.  What is this worry you have today?

I can see that you are nursing that whiskey as if it

were your last!

Mr. Smith:

Well, this obstacle... it is a big one!

God:

Bigger than Jenny Friedmeyer at the eighth grade dance?

Mr. Smith:

Definitely.

God:

Bigger than the time your parents walked in on you,

while you were watching the spice channel, and were

seemingly start-

Mr. Smith:

Yeah!  We don't... just, that doesn't need to be talked

about, at all.

God:

Well I have carried you through those times,

one pair of footprints in the sand, because I-

Mr. Smith:

Yup, you were carrying me... so anyway... the obstacle.

God:

Oh, someone wants to discuss the obstacle now, eh?

Mr. Smith:

Yeah... we were doing paperwork today, and realized

that for the past eternity, you haven't paid any taxes

on your properties.

Beat.

Mr. Smith:

You there God?

God:

Yeah... I'm sorry... what did you just say to me?

Mr. Smith:

Well, it looks like you created the universe, and

well, everything... and it appears to me that, you 

haven't exactly paid your taxes on any of these,

including your three story mansion in Heavenly Plains,

Missouri...  I have to warn you, this is an attempt to 

collect said payments.

God:

Are you fucking with me right now?

Mr. Smith:

Unfortunately, sir... er, God..

God:

Nuh uh, you can call me Sir.

Mr. Smith:

Well unfortunately Sir, this is not a prank.

God:

Oh, I'm sorry, you wanted God?

Mr. Smith:

Yes, God, you, sir...

God:

Right... God doesn't live here anymore, I thought

you were praying to... Grod...ney... Right, my name's

Grodney...

Mr. Smith:

Sir, I know it is you..

God:

Nope, this is Grodney, God moved awhile ago.

Actua...can...ear...Sorry driving through a

tunnel... You know how trickey they are up

here.

Mr. Smith:

Okay, well, Grodney, or GOD... We will have to

repossess all of the land in which you have lapsed

all payments, which, judging from the stacks of

paperwork here in my den?  Is A LOT... perhaps

all of it...

Beat.

Mr. Smith:

Um... Hello?  God?  Grodney?

Beat.

Mr. Smith:

I can hear you breathing...

Beat.

Mr. Smith:

Look, God... nobody wants this, least of all

me... I liked you growing up... you were a hero

of mine, but sometimes... Look, the economy is

tough... 

beat.

Mr. Smith:

Okay, well, I am just going to write down here,

that we spoke, you have been warned about-

Mr. Smith grabs his chest and collapses.

God:

Hell no you aren't!  

Beat.

God:

Mr. Smith?  Um, Samuel...?  Uh oh...  Um...

Cocaine suddenly appears next to the guy.

God:

Woah, look... guys... that guy... he od'd on coke!

Neurosisnine Facts Part One: The First Part

Sorry neurosisnine Army, sometimes I forget I have a website with a feverent following of fans who must be fed with my ferocious wit and... okay I can't do it, alliteration is stupid. But here is the first in a series of non-fiction essays about the creation of NNF.

How neurosisnine got it's name

After our initial success, Matt and I had taken a 13 month sabbatical to write.  Four and a half months in, we're both at each others throats going stir crazy when Freud calls us up.  He says he scored four tickets to the opera house in Sydney and Dali's agreed to come but they don't have anyway to get there.  So he offers to give us the other two tickets if we'll fly them on our Zeppelin.

I'm not a huge fan of Opera, and Siggy can get annoying at times, but I figure it's a chance to meet Dali.

Matt had already met Dali four years earlier when Dali caught Matt walking his pet aardvark in Madrid, they hit it off, hung out for a few months and then both went there separate ways.

Anyway that whole thing was a huge disappointment to me, because a week before the show Dali said publicly that he thought Paul Hogan was a "big sissy-pants"  As you can imagine that pissed the Australian government off and they refused to let him in the country, so he didn't get to come with us.

But I digress, the whole way Frued was talking about the different neuroses he was studying.  If you know Freud, you know he brings his work with him everywhere, and he's going on and on about the ninth neuroses. The man won't shut up.  So finally I yell at him from the cock-pit, "Freud, shut-up, no one gives a shit about neurosis nine."  It was like a light bulb went off, Matt and I both looked at each other and we knew that was it, that was the name of our film company.

The Story of Rebellion

The following is potential dialog, and property of Neurosisnine Films

"I understand that you don't want us to be rebellious.  I understand that, but where would we be as a great nation, if we weren't rebellious . . . . George Washington.  He was a rebel.  They told him, George, you can't cut down a cherry tree.  You just can't do that.  And you know what he did?  He cut down a damn cherry tree!  After that, he was known as Reckless George.  He was allowed to do anything he wanted!  They told a painter one day, look, Mr. DaVinci, there's a guy we know, he wants to have his portrait done.  And you know what?  He wants to do it, while on a boat, trying to stand still in the middle of the Delaware!!  What did DaVinci say?  He said yes, he would do it.  And why?  Because it was George HGW Washington!  And that my friends, is why we are here today.  I refuse to back down for anyone!"